There is a very specific moment that happens when you're anxious.
You think:
"If I can just get everything under control… I'll finally relax."
So you organize.
You research.
You make lists.
You make backup lists for your lists.
You rehearse conversations that haven't happened.
You imagine every possible disaster like you're accepting an Oscar for Best Supporting Catastrophe.
Your brain becomes the world's least enjoyable event planner.
And here's the frustrating part...
It actually works.
At least...for a while.
Which is exactly why so many of us become addicted to control.
Control isn't the villain.
Let's be fair.
Control has incredible benefits.
It helps you:
Pay your bills.
Wear matching shoes.
Keep your toddler from eating crayons.
Remember that chicken shouldn't still be sitting in your car three days later.
(Ask me how I know.)
Control is useful.
It's protective.
It's necessary.
The problem isn't healthy control.
The problem is using control to eliminate uncertainty.
Because uncertainty is one thing life refuses to negotiate.
Your anxious brain thinks certainty equals safety.
Our brains are prediction machines.
Their favorite sentence is:
"If I can predict it, I can survive it."
Thousands of years ago...
That worked beautifully.
If bushes rustled...
Maybe tiger.
If clouds turned black...
Maybe storm.
Preparing increased survival.
Today?
The "tiger" is:
Your boss emailing, "Can we talk?"
Your teenager saying, "I need to tell you something."
Waiting on lab results.
Posting your first YouTube video.
Hitting Publish on the book you've poured your heart into.
Your nervous system doesn't know the difference.
It just screams:
"CONTROL IT!"
Research consistently identifies intolerance of uncertainty as one of the strongestpsychological drivers of chronic worry and anxiety disorders.
People who struggle with uncertainty are more likely to overestimate threats, ruminate, and rely on avoidance behaviors that actually keep anxiety alive.
The illusion of control
Here's what anxiety whispers:
"If you prepare enough, nothing bad will happen."
Spoiler alert.
Life didn't get that memo.
You cannot:
Control other people.
Control whether someone likes you.
Control whether your kids make dumb decisions.
(They will. We all did.)
You cannot control:
The economy.
Traffic.
Weather.
Aging.
Whether your dog decides the mailman is clearly a criminal mastermind.
And if you have ADHD?
Good luck controlling where your phone disappeared.
It was literally in your hand six seconds ago.
Now it's apparently entered another dimension.
Anxiety loves busy work.
Have you ever noticed how "preparing" slowly turns into...
Researching.
Checking.
Rechecking.
Googling.
Checking the Google answer.
Reading Reddit.
Reading the comments.
Reading the comments on the comments.
Now somehow you're watching a documentary about octopus intelligence.
How did we get here?
Nobody knows.
Anxiety is sneaky.
Because while you feel productive…
You're often just postponing discomfort.
The trap nobody talks about
Control reduces anxiety...
temporarily.
And temporary relief is incredibly rewarding.
Your brain learns:
"I checked my email 14 times and nothing bad happened."
It mistakenly concludes:
"Checking prevented disaster."
So next time...
It tells you to check 20 times.
Then 30.
Then every five minutes.
This is exactly how anxiety grows.
Short-term relief becomes long-term imprisonment.
Research has shown that experiential avoidance—the attempt to escape uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, or uncertainty—helps maintain pathological worry instead of resolving it.
What begins as coping...
...slowly becomes your prison.
You stop doing things unless you feel certain.
You stop applying.
Stop traveling.
Stop trusting.
Stop speaking up.
Stop dreaming bigger.
Not because you aren't capable.
Because uncertainty feels unbearable.
The cage isn't locked.
It just feels safer inside.
Here's the sneaky thing...
Control doesn't actually reduce uncertainty.
It reduces your tolerance for uncertainty.
Imagine never lifting weights because they're heavy.
Eventually...
A gallon of milk feels like CrossFit.
The exact same thing happens emotionally.
Every time you avoid uncertainty...
Your tolerance gets weaker.
Every time you face uncertainty...
It gets stronger.
Studies involving more than 30,000 participants across 91 studies found that intolerance of uncertainty is consistently linked with maladaptive emotion regulation strategies and lower use of healthy coping skills.
The strongest people aren't the most in control.
They're the most adaptable.
Think about people you admire.
They're rarely the people whose lives are perfectly organized.
They're the ones who can say:
"I don't know what's going to happen...
...but I'll figure it out."
That's confidence.
Not certainty.
There's a huge difference.
My favorite example
Imagine surfing.
I've never surfed.
Mainly because I possess the coordination of an inflatable lawn flamingo.
But imagine it.
The surfer isn't controlling the ocean.
They're responding to it.
Adjusting.
Balancing.
Recovering.
Falling.
Getting back up.
If they tried controlling the waves...
They'd spend all day yelling at the Pacific.
And honestly?
That's what anxiety has us doing.
Standing on the beach yelling,
"I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER OF THE OCEAN."
The ocean remains unbothered.
What research tells us
Here are a few things researchers have consistently found:
Around 31% of U.S. adults experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives, making anxiety one of the most common mental health conditions.
People with higher intolerance of uncertainty report greater worry, avoidance, and anxiety across multiple disorders.
Longitudinal research found that greater intolerance of uncertainty predicts increases in anxiety over time, partly through rumination, reassurance-seeking, and avoidance.
During periods of widespread uncertainty (like a pandemic), lower perceived control was associated with less effective coping and higher anxiety.
Treatments that help people gradually face uncertainty instead of escaping it consistently reduce anxiety symptoms over time.
Notice something?
None of those studies conclude:
"Become better at controlling everything."
Instead...
They point toward becoming better at handling uncertainty.
So what do we control?
Great question.
Because I'm not suggesting you throw your planner into the nearest river.
Healthy control still matters.
Control:
Showing up.
Your effort.
Your honesty.
Your values.
Your choices.
Your next step.
Your response.
Release:
Outcomes.
Timing.
Other people's opinions.
Other people's behavior.
Every possible future catastrophe your brain invents before breakfast.
That's where freedom begins.
Try this today
The next time your brain says:
"What if this goes wrong?"
Answer:
"Maybe.
And if it does… I'll handle it then."
Not because you'll enjoy it.
Not because it'll be easy.
Because you've survived hard things before.
You are living proof.
Courage Challenge of the Week 💜
Choose one thing you've been over-controlling.
Just one.
Maybe it's checking.
Maybe it's reassurance.
Maybe it's rewriting the email seventeen times.
Maybe it's waiting until you feel "ready.
Now loosen your grip...
Just a little.
Not recklessly.
Just enough to remind your nervous system:
"I can survive uncertainty."
Because here's the beautiful irony.
The more you stop trying to control everything...
The more confident you become that you can handle anything.
And that's a whole lot more powerful than certainty
You don't need a perfectly predictable life to become the woman you're meant to be.
You need a nervous system that learns,
"Even when life surprises me... I don't abandon myself."
That's real strength.
That's real freedom.
And around here? That’s the ultimate in bravery. And you know what?
