I used to think I was just really passionate.
Turns out...
I was just hyperfixating on men.
Not all men.
Just one at a time.
Like a very emotionally committed laser pointer.
It started when I was twenty-three.
He was thirty-four.
Older.
Confident.
In the Coast Guard.
Owned a motorcycle.
Owned a house.
Had an actual grown-up life.
Meanwhile, I was over here trying to remember to sign up for my company’s dental plan. And to figure out if my company even had a dental plan.
Naturally...
I decided he was The One.
Not because we'd built some deep emotional connection.
Not because we'd spent years getting to know each other.
No.
Because my brain had selected him.
Apparently there was a committee meeting.
I wasn't invited.
Once my ADHD brain chooses someone...
It gets...
Enthusiastic.
Everything reminds me of them.
Every song is about them.
Every conversation somehow circles back to them.
They're all I can think about.
Not in a creepy way.
...
Okay.
Maybe a little creepy.
Here's the weird part.
The pursuit?
Amazing.
The butterflies?
Fantastic.
Wondering if he likes me?
Peak entertainment.
Actually getting somewhere?
Well...
Let's not get carried away.
One day we were on the phone.
Everything was going wonderfully.
Then...
As we hung up...
He casually said,
"Love ya."
I replied,
"Okay, byeeee!"
Hung up.
And my brain quietly packed its bags.
I swear I could hear the emergency evacuation alarm.
"Attention passengers..."
"This relationship has become emotionally real."
"Please proceed calmly to the nearest exit."
My brain did not proceed calmly.
It sprinted.
I called him back later.
Asked what he meant.
He said,
"Oh...I say that to all my friends."
Now...
An emotionally mature person probably would've said,
"Oh! Got it."
I was twenty-three.
I was not emotionally mature.
I reacted...
Poorly.
Let's just say I found a way to make the entire situation wonderfully awkward.
Mission accomplished.
He backed away.
Fast.
Two days later...
I was interested in someone else.
Not because the first guy was awful.
He wasn't.
Not because I'd stopped finding him attractive.
I hadn't.
Because...
The movie had ended.
My brain wanted a new trailer.
Years later my best friend said something that made me stop in my tracks.
She said,
"You love the chase."
The funny thing is...
I don't think I was chasing men.
I think I was chasing dopamine.
There's a difference.
The anticipation.
The wondering.
The possibility.
The excitement.
The little rush every time my phone buzzed.
That's what my brain was addicted to.
Not the person.
The possibility.
And then...
Real life showed up.
Relationships require vulnerability.
Consistency.
Communication.
Patience.
Those things aren't nearly as chemically exciting as,
"Oooooh...I wonder if he likes me..."
Looking back...
I hate admitting this.
But my best friend was right.
I loved the pursuit.
I loved the challenge.
I loved the dopamine that came from trying to win someone over.
Once I did...
Something changed.
Sometimes I'd get bored.
Sometimes I'd panic because things were becoming real.
Sometimes it was both.
Either way...
I'd find a way out.
I don't say that proudly.
Quite the opposite.
There are younger versions of ourselves that make us cringe.
This is one of mine.
I wasn't trying to hurt anyone.
I wasn't collecting hearts like trophies.
I simply didn't understand that my brain confused novelty with compatibility.
I wish I could tell you there was some grand psychological reason.
There probably was.
But if I'm being completely honest...
Sometimes I was just...
Bored.
I needed excitement.
I needed novelty.
I needed that rush of wondering what might happen next.
And once the wondering disappeared...
So did the dopamine.
These days...
I understand my brain a lot better.
I don’t have to run away from vulnerability.
I don’t have to throw a wrench into the spokes every time something gets serious.
It’s okay to take things slowly, on my own time, and be vocal about it.
Butterflies aren't always a green light.
Sometimes...
Butterflies are just my nervous system throwing confetti.
And butterflies don't have to mean forever.
They don't have to mean soulmates.
They don't have to mean this person is "The One."
Sometimes...
They just mean you're enjoying getting to know someone.
That's okay too.
And honestly...
As it turns out...
The healthiest love I've ever known wasn't even the one that made my heart race.
It was the one that finally helped it slow down.
