I have a confession.
I'm not a hugger.
I know.
Some of you just gasped.
Some of you are already opening your arms, determined to "fix" me.
Please don't.
Before we go any further...
I love people.
I really do.
I have wonderful friends.
I adore my family.
I care deeply about the people in my life.
I simply don't understand why we've collectively decided that smashing our bodies together is the official greeting of humanity.
Who came up with this?
Was there a meeting?
Did we vote?
Was I absent that day?
There are people who walk into a room like this:
"Oh my gosh! Hiiiiiiii!"
HUG.
Then another hug.
Then another.
Sometimes they hug people they've literally just met.
Meanwhile...
I'm standing over in the corner wondering if waving has suddenly become illegal.
Here's the thing.
When someone starts walking toward me with their arms open...
My brain doesn't think,
"Aww...connection."
My brain thinks,
"Why are you widening your stance?"
And don't even surprise-hug me.
There are very few situations in life where someone wrapping their arms around me unexpectedly feels like a reasonable decision.
My nervous system immediately responds with,
"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"
Then, approximately half a second later...
"Oh.
It's affection.
Carry on."
The worst hugs are the ones where nobody knows when they're over.
You both step in.
You awkwardly pat each other's backs.
One person lets go.
The other person doesn't.
Now you're trapped.
You've entered some kind of slow-motion hostage situation.
Then there are side hugs.
Those I can tolerate.
They're efficient.
Professional.
Minimal body contact.
It's the handshake of hugs.
I respect that.
Now...
If you're my husband...
Different story.
Come here.
If you're my daughter...
Absolutely.
If you're one of my dogs...
Please.
Let's cuddle.
Forever.
Apparently my rules become surprisingly flexible when you have fur.
But acquaintances?
Church greeters?
People I met seventeen seconds ago?
WHY are we embracing?
We don't even know each other's last names.
Let's not skip straight to body contact.
People often assume that because I'm not physically affectionate...
I'm cold.
I'm not.
I'm just...
Different.
If I love you...
I'm probably going to show it by listening to you.
Making you laugh.
Driving across town when you need me.
Remembering your favorite coffee.
Helping you move.
Checking in when life gets hard.
Writing you a ridiculously long text because apparently brevity and I aren't on speaking terms.
Love has lots of languages.
Mine just isn't "surprise octopus."
I've noticed something interesting over the years.
The people who know me best...
Don't expect hugs.
They know that if I voluntarily hug you...
It means something.
You've reached an elite level of friendship.
Congratulations.
There isn't a certificate.
But there probably should be.
And then there are the social rules.
You know the ones.
Someone goes in for a hug.
You panic.
You commit to the hug.
Halfway through, they switch sides.
Now you've accidentally headbutted each other.
Somewhere a photographer captures this forever.
It's all very stressful.
I've spent years wondering if I should force myself to become "a hug person."
You know...
Smile bigger.
Hug more.
Pretend it feels natural.
Then one day I thought...
Why?
Why am I trying to love people somebody else's way?
Why isn't it enough that I love deeply?
Why do I have to express it exactly like everyone else?
So if you're a hugger...
Wonderful.
Keep hugging.
The world needs people who make others feel welcomed that way.
Just know that if you open your arms and I instinctively stick out my hand...
Or wave enthusiastically from a respectful distance...
Or offer you coffee instead...
It's not rejection.
It's just...
Me.
Besides...
I have an excellent system.
You keep your personal space.
I keep mine.
We smile.
We laugh.
We talk.
Nobody has to wonder when to let go.
Honestly...
I think it's beautiful.
Although...
If you're a squirrel wearing glitter pants...
I'll make an exception.
(Mostly because Kevin has earned it.)
Kevin’s Instagram Reads:
✨ Woodland Fashion Icon
🌰 Professional Acorn Collector
👖 CEO of Glitter Pants
📍Tree #47
